Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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