I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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