Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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