i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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