normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
