Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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