They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
