girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
