I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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