hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize