ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
