Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize