It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So much rum. So many feels.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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