I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
