Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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