I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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