just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize