Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
