The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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