What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
