I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
