I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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