I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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