The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
