he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize