went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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