well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
