insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
