I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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