it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
