The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Never underestimate the power of titties
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
