i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
