she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
