need another drink. this is the easiest way
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
