remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
