Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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