I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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