My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
