Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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