Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
