The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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