I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
