do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
