i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
