I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
