the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
