so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
3 2 1 whiskey
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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