but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
