cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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