swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
