I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
