He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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