Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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