On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How does one acquire holy water?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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