I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
