she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
