If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm just crazy horny about you
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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