is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
